


One Last Thing

by JenTheSweetie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, that's definitely not how the Force works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-04 23:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14030967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenTheSweetie/pseuds/JenTheSweetie
Summary: “You should know,” Finn said, “that I’m working really, really hard not to scream right now.”“Good,” said the ghost of Han Solo.  “Keep it up.”Han has a request.  Finn definitely didn't do anything to deserve this.





	One Last Thing

“Wake up, kid,” a voice whispered in Finn’s ear.

Finn sat up straight.  “Whozzair?” 

“Over here,” the voice said again.  “Now _don’t scream_ , okay?”

Finn blinked.  Very slowly, he turned his head toward the voice.  He blinked again.

“You should know,” he said, “that I’m working really, really hard not to scream right now.”

“Good,” said the ghost of Han Solo.  “Keep it up.”

“Um,” Finn said.  “So.  Are you - ”

“Oh, definitely still dead,” Han said.  He gestured down at his transparent, clearly-incorporeal body and shrugged.  “I guess I had a little Force sensitivity after all - I _knew_  all those bad feelings I had weren’t a coincidence.”

“That’s… cool,” Finn said.  “Am I dreaming?”

“I don’t think so,” Han said.  “Do you feel like you’re dreaming?”

“I feel like I’m lying on the floor talking to a ghost,” Finn said.  

“You always seemed like you knew what was what,” Han said.  “All right, kid, I don’t know how much time I have, but I need your help.  I need you to do a _very_  important favor for me.”

“A favor?” Finn said.  “If it’s about Kylo Ren, you should probably be talking to Rey, she’s the one who - ”

“No, it’s not about that misbehaving son of mine,” Han said.  “I know she’ll handle him eventually.  It’s about something else.  Something more… personal.”

“Personal?” Finn said.  “In that case, General Organa is right outside, wouldn’t you rather - ”

“No!” Han hissed.  “No, I wouldn’t rather, she’s the one I’m trying to _hide_  it from, so you don’t say a word of this to her, you hear me?”

“Hide _what_  from?” Finn said.

Han leaned forward, held Finn’s gaze, and said seriously, “My porn.”

“Your _what_?” Finn said.

“Shh!” Han said.  “You know what porn is, right?”

“Of course I know what porn is,” Finn snapped.  “The First Order is a bunch of authoritarian mass murderers, not virginal monks.”

“Good,” Han said.  “I was a little worried.  You seemed pretty innocent.”

“I’m not _innocent_ ,” Finn argued.

“You’re more innocent than I am,” Han said.

“You’re 50 years older than me!  And _dead_!”

“No need to make it personal, kid,” Han said, holding up his hands.  “Look, I don’t know how much time I have left, so listen up.  Throughout this ship, in various hidden compartments and secret drawers, is porn.”

“Okay,” Finn said, “but I don’t see what - ” 

“I lived in the Falcon, more or less,” Han said, looking around the otherwise empty cargo hold fondly.  “She’s the closest thing I ever really had to a home.  But now you and Rey and all the others and most importantly _my wife_  are living here.  Do you see the issue?”

“You’re afraid somebody’s going to find your porn, and you want me to find it first and get rid of it,” Finn surmised.

“I knew you were smart,” Han said.  

“Shouldn’t you be asking Chewie to do this for you?  He’s your best friend, after all.”

“The thing is,” Han said, looking a little shifty,  “mostly it’s normal stuff, you know, Twi’lek on Twi’lek, that old timey fake Jedi mind trick stuff, but there’s a few holos that are, well, they feature some Wookiees - the females of the species, of course, or at least I think they are, it’s hard to tell sometimes, but anyway, the point is, I’d rather avoid awkward questions, right?  That’s where you come in.”

“I can’t believe you can return as a ghost and _this_  is what you decided to do with your time,” Finn said. 

“Kid, I have plenty of unfinished business,” Han said.  “But most of it can’t be wrapped up in a three minute conversation.  This can.”

“All right,” Finn said tiredly.  “So how do I find it?”

-

“What are you looking for?” Rey said.

Finn knocked his head on the top of the storage cupboard.  “Ow.  Uh.  Nothing.  A towel.”

“A towel?” Rey said.  “We haven’t kept linens in there in a month.  How hard did you hit your head?”

“Pretty hard,” Finn said truthfully.  

-

“Need some help, buddy?” Poe said.

“Nope,” Finn said, pulling his arms out of the bulkhead.  “I was just, you know.  Getting to know the ship.”

“What part of the ship are you expecting to get to know behind the water treatment tank?” Poe said.

“So that’s what that smell is,” Finn said, laughing weakly.  

Poe tilted his head.  “Everything okay?”

“Of course!” Finn said.  “Everything’s okay.  I’m okay.  Are _you_  okay?”

“I think so?” Poe said.  “Anyway, dinner’s up.”

“Great,” Finn said.  

They stared at each other.

“Are you coming, or - ”

“I’ll catch up with you,” Finn said.

“You’re being weird,” Poe said.

“You don’t know me that well,” Finn said.  “Maybe this is just how I am all the time.”

“You’re probably right,” Poe said.  “I’ll see you later, weirdo?”

“Definitely,” Finn said.  

Poe grinned one last time before blessedly leaving Finn alone.

“Han Solo, you owe me big time,” Finn hissed into the empty room.

-

Finn was about to celebrate his clean escape from the maintenance crawlway when BB-8 skidded around the corner and started yelling at him.

At least Finn thought he was yelling.  Whatever he was saying was loud, shrill, and entirely incomprehensible to Finn, whose Binary was somewhere between “rudimentary” and “nonexistent.”  

“Shhh!” Finn said, shoving the holovid under his shirt.  “BB-8, shut up, come on!”

BB-8 did not shut up.  Instead, he rattled off a rapid-fire and clearly hostile series of beeps that heavily featured what Finn had finally realized was a curse word that BB-8 invented.

“I have no idea what you’re saying, but I swear I’m not doing anything wrong,” Finn said.  “I’m doing a favor for a friend, all right?”

BB-8 inclined his head disbelievingly.

“Why would I lie to you?” Finn said, exasperated.  

BB-8 trilled at him.

“Well, you may have a point, but I can’t be sure because I have absolutely no idea what you’re saying,” Finn said.

BB-8 rattled off something that included one of the only words Finn had managed to pick up: _Poe_.

“No, don’t go get Poe,” Finn said quickly.  “Please don’t go get Poe, I know I’m acting really suspicious right now but you have to believe me when I say what I’m doing is actually not a big deal at all, I just can’t tell you anything about it.”  

BB-8 stared at him blankly.

“Yeah, that sounded better in my head,” Finn said.

BB-8 said something that Finn assumed translated roughly to, “You think?”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you!” Finn argued.  “I’m leaving now.  Goodbye.”

Finn was most of the way around the corner when BB-8 said something that he was _fairly_  certain wasn’t “goodbye.”  

“I heard that!” Finn yelled.

-

“Okay,” Finn said, “you can do this.  You can do this!  Just pick it up, walk out of here and throw it into the first pile of junk you find.  Nobody’s going to notice a thing.  Okay?  Now stop talking to yourself before you look even crazier than normal.”

He nodded to himself, picked up the crate of holoporn, and marched out of the hold.  This was his moment: he was pretty sure he’d found all of Han Solo’s weird hidden stashes of porn, and now he was seconds from the entry ramp and sweet, sweet escape, just a few steps from putting all of this behind him forever and - 

“What’s that you’ve got there, Finn?”

Finn closed his eyes.  He wondered vaguely if all of this was a big prank, if the entire thing had been orchestrated _from beyond the grave_  just to lead Finn to this exact horrifying moment.

“Um,” he said.  “Nothing, General.”

“Those don’t look familiar,” Leia said, grabbing a holo at random from the top of the pile.  “What are - oh.   _Oh_.”

“These are,” Finn started, and then re-routed, “I have no idea where - someone bought them at our last supply stop and I was just - I found the box a minute ago, I don’t even know what porn _is_  - ”

“Finn,” Leia said gently.  “These were Han’s, weren’t they?”

“Um,” Finn said.

“And you were throwing them away for him.”

“Well,” Finn said.

Leia sighed.  “What an absolute waste that would have been.  Some of these are _vintage_ , you know.”

Finn blinked.  “Sir?”

“I knew I sensed him dropping by, but really, _this_  is what he came for?” Leia said, dropping the holo back onto the pile and picking up another.  “Unbelievable.  He should know better than to get rid of such high-quality vids.”

“You knew about these?” Finn squeaked.  “I mean, uh, you knew about these?”

“Of course I knew about them,” Leia said, rolling her eyes.  “You honestly thought I didn’t know my husband watched porn?”

“Well, it’s just - he seemed to think - and some of these are really, you know - ”

“Weird?” Leia said.  She smiled fondly.  “I can imagine.  My husband’s life was a rich and varied tapestry.  I didn’t need to be privy to all of it.”

“That’s cool,” Finn said, thinking that he would have preferred to be privy to _none_  of it.

“These aren’t going anywhere,” Leia said.  “Would you take them back to my bunk, please?”

Finn stared at her.  “Yes, sir,” he said.

“Unless there are any you’d like to take for yourself,” Leia said generously.

“No thank you, sir,” said Finn, who would rather fall into a sarlacc pit.

“If you’re sure,” Leia said, patting him on the arm and wandering down the corridor.

Finn wiped his brow on his sleeve and headed back to the bunks.  His long personal nightmare was almost over; he could finally rest easy, put this behind him and move on to a future that hopefully didn’t involve hidden porn or Force ghosts or - 

“Hey, there you are,” Poe said, jogging around the corner.  “I was looking for you.  Want to grab a drink?”

“Yes,” Finn said promptly.  “Very much so.  Right after I drop this off at the General’s bunk.”

“Sounds good,” Poe said.  “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Finn said wearily, but because this was his life it was already too late; Poe grabbed a handful of holos off the top.  

“ _Wow_ ,” Poe said, drawing about eighteen syllables out of the word.  “This is - ”

“It’s not mine,” Finn said.  “Or hers.  It’s nobody’s.  Don’t worry about it.”

“I wasn’t gonna ask,” Poe said distractedly, digging through the box.  “Huh.  Okay.  I was not expecting this.”

“Neither was I,” Finn said miserably.

“You know, it’s funny,” Poe said.  “Here I’ve been flirting with you for _weeks_  and it turns out I never had a chance.”  He pulled out one of the vids and held it up.  “Because you’re into Wookiee porn.”

“You’ve been flirting with me?” Finn said faintly.

“ _Koming to Kashyyk_ , and yes, that’s coming with a K,” Poe read off the holo.  “And yeah, of course I’ve been flirting with you, but it seems like I should have been doing it in Shryiiwook.  Would it help if I grew a beard?”

“Let’s never speak of this again,” Finn said, snatching the holo out of Poe’s hands.  “Except the flirting part.  We can keep talking about that part.”

“Do you think I can pull off a bandolier?” Poe said, following him down the corridor.  “Or do you prefer the _au natural_ stuff?”

“I’m never gonna live this down, am I,” Finn said.

“No you are not,” Poe said.


End file.
